It's not a Personal Project

I haven't wrote anything in a looooooooooong time!

No that's quite a lie. I have wrote a lot recently, at least 10 pages worth of stuff, alongside 3 pages worth of doodling and sketching.

But it won't be here.

Nope, it won't.

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What is it?

I suppose one could call it a personal project, but I HATE that label. It implies one has to work hard and utterly completely dedicated to that work. I don't want that. I don't want to work on this thing with a stressed mind and stale thoughts. I want to do it ONLY when I'm fresh and excited. I want to do it light heartedly and with an easy going progress. And I have no other ambition for it other than to see it done, and then it can sit somewhere on a shelf in my house or if lady luck suddenly develops a crush on me, get it sold off and distributed for lotsa money!

Either way doesn't matter. This is work unlike work, a project that's not a project.

This is just something I want to do.

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Problems?

Hell yes. It's not something I want to share with public, and even here where not many people know of, it's still accessible to anyone should they just know where it is. But that's not the issue.

The issue is I want feedback. From a select few I trust only. But it really is hard to get the materials to them, let alone have a sit down and talk about it. Again the spectre of it being called a "project" hinders me from wanting to set anything in an official capacity. I need everything informal.

Which is bitchy at best. Because what I want to do... it's not simply character design AGAIN, and it's not just building a fantasy world AGAIN, or is it just to glorify a fictional hero or introduce a cultural element or style or preference AGAIN. I'm bored of those things. How many more years will our artist be just visual designers? How many more years will our focus on production be about introducing things? To popularize something of ours to others? No, what I want to do is make a metaphor of my opinions, to debate philosophy. I want it more than just "I am putting this here because I like how it looks". I want it put there because it means something in a greater scheme. It QUESTIONS something, or addresses and reflects a thought or a reality.

I'm rambling. True. And probably not making much sense. But it's a curse of mine not to neglect something once I accepted it as my responsibility (which is why I prefer not to accept many things as a responsibility.)

But isn't what we do when we're frustrated? Well, I've been frustrated a long time. Not directly, but still it has ties with what I want to do. I've been frustrated since I was in primary school. Everybody there talked. I was quiet. I had no voice. I want a voice. Secondary school, or high school as what others call it, and I am not merely silenced; I was shouted down. College? Univiersity? I barely whispered even then. Partly it was because others always wanted to be louder than I am, but partly it was also because I did not know what I wanted with a voice.

I want to question.

I want answers. I want to know why.

I want to bend spoons. I want to keep flowers in full bloom.

I'm looking for answers from the great beyond....