Weddings in March...

I sit there staring into emptiness and can't help but wonder what coincidence this is.

I was at a wedding. As such it was the second wedding of a girl I once fancied. Adding more to the fact was that it was held at/near the workplace of one of the parents; this one was help at her mother's office at the JKR Headquarters, the previous in a school where the father was the Principal. On its own however this wedding had more significance in that it was held near my old school, in which where I first met the bride some 18 or so years ago. And I entered the hall when the song being played was a tune by the title of "I swear" by All For One, which is one of the songs that I remember was oh-so-popular back when I was in the school. Significantly, on the slide show that showed the bride and groom's past, I was on it, owing to the fact I was in virtually all the classes she was.

Ah... And yes, both weddings were in March.

A year apart both weddings were, and never does it fail to leave me pondering.

2007 marks a year with numerous weddings. Perhaps it is so owing to the fact that anyone born in 1982 as I do, will turn 25 this year. Nevertheless, next week another one, and in May so I hear another old classmate ties the knot. One by one they take the final step in life. Perhaps the biggest of all steps in a person's life. Bigger than from being a child to an adult, is (perhaps) being from the status of single, to married. To start one's own family, ah, what a big step must that be, as finally, after decades, we reach a level where we are quite the equal of that of our parents.

So one by one, they go, shedding away the life of the bachelor. Perhaps what tightens my heart so is that these people, with husbands and wives now, could ill afford to be around me like the old days, as more important obligations are now set upon them. Perhaps even more so is that on the girl's side most espcially, it would not seem polite or proper to be hanging the likes of us anymore.

Or perhaps, simply.... I feel how far left behind I am. And that..is simply something that I just can't find the words to describe how I feel.

Perhaps I fear that that is the one step I can never take. Inferiority complex perhaps, but fact of the matter is what girls I fancy seem way beyond me, and what few girls that ever showed interest were not of what I sought for. I don't know, but in life I always had slight traces, hints, of the things I am capable of achieving. A success in an art competition in my early years reveling my capabilities in drawing as well as storytelling, achieving good marks in English as a precursor to my desire for writing, besting my brother in Dune 2 (the first RTS game) signalling my talent in such virtual military command, little bits of pieces to show my potential.

But love? Women? I've had nothing but failure. A sign? I don't know. Pondering is all I can do. And whatever else I learn of it, whatever knowledge I gain for it, is through observation of others. Observation that in vain hope I could apply one day.

It is not right to despair, now espcially more than any other time. I truly am happy for her, my dear friend, to have finally had the happiest day in her life. As much so as the others of my married friends. And as much so for those friends with couples, who for the lack of better description, are living almost a fairy-tale like romance. Their day is perhaps drawing near as well. No I cannot feel sad, for I am truly honestly happy, for them at least.

I feel guilty for feeling in truth, just as much as I can't deny that I do feel bad deep down somewhere...

Especially for weddings in March.