I would like to post a question
I want to say that I feel old. But that's not exactly describing it. In truth I feel I can, if I so choose to, jump around and run all over the place. But I don't feel like it nor is there the occasion for it.
Honestly I best cab describe the feeling as being 'past my time'. Yes, it can relate to the feeling of old age, but not so in my case. I don't feel old, I just feel that my moments of glory have passed me by. I feel like it is now my time to absorbed into the masses of society, seeing as I don't feel capable of achieving things to stand out or in short, to achieve anything I would have considered significant anymore. As I told a friend, I feel like a member of a band whose music belong in collections of timeless classics. I'm like the band member whom, long after the band has lost its popularity, is still trying to cling on to the old olfe, and still trying to repeat past accomplishments... without much luck.
I've stared at my result transcripts for a long time ever since I got it last friday. To the normal viewer I guess they can see letters and numbers, and perhaps and averagely good result of 2.8 CGPA or so. I see something else entirely however. I see it as moments in time that has significant meaning. I see it as the crossroads in life and the results of my choices in whcih path to take. I see the B+ and the 2 As for English marking some of my earliest triumphs in MMU, which is yet another notch of achievements I've had since my earliest schooling years. All the design subjects and creative projects of Alpha perhaps bear some testiment to that.
Ever since I was in school, I poured little effort to studies yet somehow miraculously achieve good results. I didn't do much for UPSR or PMR and in both times I got full As. SPM came and with frequent cybercafe trips I still attained a 11 Aggregate, First Grade. Seeing as how I took pure science and all the technical subjects (and I hate technicals) and with minimal studies I achieved quite the result, I guess I felt deep down that it was true; I'm that good. And then, the fun and glory of Alpha Year.
I was Invincible.
Or so I thought. But I am no more Invincible than the Titanic was unsinkable. And in truth? I hit my iceberg in First Trimester 2001, Beta Year. Two Fs, and a clear indication of having to repeat one whole year. I saw it at the time as clearly a reminder. I am not unstoppable or invincible as I so believed, and that I too needed to pour effort eventually to achieve. But that wasn't all. I see now it was a clear indication of my decline. I can't explain it. I was always fortunate enough to be given a list of opportunities and chances. I was always fortunate enough to make the cut. But after those two Fs, I can see now that it was a downhill road for me from then on, opportunities and chance now finding other, younger, people to bestow their presence with.
Still I tried. Still I wanted to glorious old days. And for one time at least, luck cut me some slack and I got the old group together again, one last project together and an A we gained for that. I also obtained a good results for philosophy, for which I am proud of, but aside those it has been a bleak moment for me.
I wondered now if maybe my ride on luck and glory has left me because I was delayed by one year due to those Fs. If I had not failed, then perhaps I'd be still running a glorious track. But no, I can't say I'd wish that with all my heart. Failing and staying back a year has given me many a things. It has given me more time as a student (and let me tell you that being a university student is as best a life that is only second to being super rich and not having to answer to anybody, save the law maybe). It has given whole host of new friends, fickle and full or 'politics' some of them maybe, and yes among that it has given me the opportunity to obtain one of my best friends ever. I am grateful for that....
...but... it has not given me achievements. Save for the one project and philosophy, ever since I am in the new batch, I have yet to obtain any fair amount of success with anything these new people or additional opportunities gained through those Fs. That success which I did get, was achieved through a groupwork consisting of a core members of my once-upon-a-time-glorious-past-friends. That being said, none of the creative work I did then on or the groups I got into, had me feeling very passionate about the work anymore. You want me to be specific? It's just simple really, it's 3 little things. One, most of the work was solo, and after 11 years of being solo worker at school, I realized I HATE working alone. Two, even if I got into a group (other than the one mentioned before) it was doing a work which I can't be passionate about; economics, management or anything else. And three, even if there was a chance to work in groups and in doing something I can be passionate about (AND MOST PEOPLE SHOULD BLOODY KNOW WHEN THAT MOMENT WAS) there was always the biggest issue that pagued me eversince my...'downfall'; people just don't want to be in groups. At least maybe not with me. Or maybe they'd rather be solo.
In either case, the point is that I've tried, and I've tried. I've bled, crimson and blue, really, just trying to get people to join with me, to get people to work with me. And I've failed. Utterly. The reasons given I can list only two; they'd rather be solo, or they've agreed to work with some one else. I'm wondering two things. Firstly, am I really that deplorable to work with? Am I that incompatibe with people that it's bad enough girls keep rejecting me (well two is sufficient to use the plural, girl. But the point is that it's more than one) that now even would-be collegues reject me? Secondly, are those reasons true? Are they honest? I mean, are they just not having the guts to perhaps say, "we don't want to work with you because we hate you" and thus resort to such inoffenseive lines?. I guess if they're willing to hide and be conceiling their true feelings, then we'll never know.
Anyhow the point is this.
With the previously stated exception, there has been no significant achievements in this supposedly 'new' environment I got after failing the two subjects. MY finals were nothing exceptional, and even if the grades were good, I was not happy with my work. No, not because of results. People should know that I care more on the process than results. I am unhappy with my work because I did so in the absence of passion. I'm sorry for those who had hopes for me in those final stretches, and I am truly sorry Mel, for all you encouragement and support, but I am not happy with those works of mine, and while I learnt A LOT from it, it did not reach the level of satisfaction I got when doing projects of the old Myth and Co. days.
And it continues, after university. I begin my life in the outside world....with an approximate 70K debt and it took 6 months to get a job (that's not really a complaint though, I chose to have such a long time out) and all I get is more or less some back end company that is so void of proper organization and legal paperwork that I have nothing on paper or black and white that I can use to prevent them from exploiting me as cheap labor, which they are doing, and forcing me thus to work on things i CLEARLY do not enjoy. I'm trying my best to get another job, to get out of there, and again I am bleeding crimson and blue towards that end, but to no avail either. The position you are best for OR applied for is not available yet, we have no vacancies, we already hired somebody for that job or have chosen someone else to fill that job, we might only have use of your skills later in the future MAYBE, or dowright no reply. Take your pick because most of my attempts at getting a new job ends up with just those, and I've lost count on my number of applications, to which I think only 1/3 only I got as far as an interview, and of all that interview I have so far a perfect record of 100% rejection. Isn't that f***ing cool?
So here I am just oast one interview, desperate enough to go for a company that is similiar to POV, one company that I so do not like its working atmosphere and level (I can almost imagine the people of POV and V?HQ level sneering behind my back saying, "what makes you think you are worthy of even coming to a place of our level?"). And soon another interview, with a book company that will involve nothing at all visually creative despite its lucrative pay and I sure as hell know I'm not getting any younger to achieve acclaim in the field that I like. I'm starting to see the age of my competitors go steadily apart from my own as previous competitors have already achieved their mark, leaving me stuggling here. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the efforts given on my behalf, but is it just.... wrong to grieve over the fact that at the end of things, you just don't get what you want.
So understand. It is my purpose of this to explain not whine. I am in fact thinking of primarily this one question. Seeing as I am not given a break at all in my favourite field and eager to make more money as well (than this meager peanuts I'm being paid with), and with my desperation now going to the point of applying jobs for post or places I wouldn't even desire some months ago... and of course with a list of other, maybe newer people more eye catching to employers to grab a hold of than me, the outdated one whom like an aged rockstar from a band once-but-no-longer popular, still trying to get back what he once got, without much success.... I just wonder now...
Is this a sign to let go of my dreams?
Honestly I best cab describe the feeling as being 'past my time'. Yes, it can relate to the feeling of old age, but not so in my case. I don't feel old, I just feel that my moments of glory have passed me by. I feel like it is now my time to absorbed into the masses of society, seeing as I don't feel capable of achieving things to stand out or in short, to achieve anything I would have considered significant anymore. As I told a friend, I feel like a member of a band whose music belong in collections of timeless classics. I'm like the band member whom, long after the band has lost its popularity, is still trying to cling on to the old olfe, and still trying to repeat past accomplishments... without much luck.
I've stared at my result transcripts for a long time ever since I got it last friday. To the normal viewer I guess they can see letters and numbers, and perhaps and averagely good result of 2.8 CGPA or so. I see something else entirely however. I see it as moments in time that has significant meaning. I see it as the crossroads in life and the results of my choices in whcih path to take. I see the B+ and the 2 As for English marking some of my earliest triumphs in MMU, which is yet another notch of achievements I've had since my earliest schooling years. All the design subjects and creative projects of Alpha perhaps bear some testiment to that.
Ever since I was in school, I poured little effort to studies yet somehow miraculously achieve good results. I didn't do much for UPSR or PMR and in both times I got full As. SPM came and with frequent cybercafe trips I still attained a 11 Aggregate, First Grade. Seeing as how I took pure science and all the technical subjects (and I hate technicals) and with minimal studies I achieved quite the result, I guess I felt deep down that it was true; I'm that good. And then, the fun and glory of Alpha Year.
I was Invincible.
Or so I thought. But I am no more Invincible than the Titanic was unsinkable. And in truth? I hit my iceberg in First Trimester 2001, Beta Year. Two Fs, and a clear indication of having to repeat one whole year. I saw it at the time as clearly a reminder. I am not unstoppable or invincible as I so believed, and that I too needed to pour effort eventually to achieve. But that wasn't all. I see now it was a clear indication of my decline. I can't explain it. I was always fortunate enough to be given a list of opportunities and chances. I was always fortunate enough to make the cut. But after those two Fs, I can see now that it was a downhill road for me from then on, opportunities and chance now finding other, younger, people to bestow their presence with.
Still I tried. Still I wanted to glorious old days. And for one time at least, luck cut me some slack and I got the old group together again, one last project together and an A we gained for that. I also obtained a good results for philosophy, for which I am proud of, but aside those it has been a bleak moment for me.
I wondered now if maybe my ride on luck and glory has left me because I was delayed by one year due to those Fs. If I had not failed, then perhaps I'd be still running a glorious track. But no, I can't say I'd wish that with all my heart. Failing and staying back a year has given me many a things. It has given me more time as a student (and let me tell you that being a university student is as best a life that is only second to being super rich and not having to answer to anybody, save the law maybe). It has given whole host of new friends, fickle and full or 'politics' some of them maybe, and yes among that it has given me the opportunity to obtain one of my best friends ever. I am grateful for that....
...but... it has not given me achievements. Save for the one project and philosophy, ever since I am in the new batch, I have yet to obtain any fair amount of success with anything these new people or additional opportunities gained through those Fs. That success which I did get, was achieved through a groupwork consisting of a core members of my once-upon-a-time-glorious-past-friends. That being said, none of the creative work I did then on or the groups I got into, had me feeling very passionate about the work anymore. You want me to be specific? It's just simple really, it's 3 little things. One, most of the work was solo, and after 11 years of being solo worker at school, I realized I HATE working alone. Two, even if I got into a group (other than the one mentioned before) it was doing a work which I can't be passionate about; economics, management or anything else. And three, even if there was a chance to work in groups and in doing something I can be passionate about (AND MOST PEOPLE SHOULD BLOODY KNOW WHEN THAT MOMENT WAS) there was always the biggest issue that pagued me eversince my...'downfall'; people just don't want to be in groups. At least maybe not with me. Or maybe they'd rather be solo.
In either case, the point is that I've tried, and I've tried. I've bled, crimson and blue, really, just trying to get people to join with me, to get people to work with me. And I've failed. Utterly. The reasons given I can list only two; they'd rather be solo, or they've agreed to work with some one else. I'm wondering two things. Firstly, am I really that deplorable to work with? Am I that incompatibe with people that it's bad enough girls keep rejecting me (well two is sufficient to use the plural, girl. But the point is that it's more than one) that now even would-be collegues reject me? Secondly, are those reasons true? Are they honest? I mean, are they just not having the guts to perhaps say, "we don't want to work with you because we hate you" and thus resort to such inoffenseive lines?. I guess if they're willing to hide and be conceiling their true feelings, then we'll never know.
Anyhow the point is this.
With the previously stated exception, there has been no significant achievements in this supposedly 'new' environment I got after failing the two subjects. MY finals were nothing exceptional, and even if the grades were good, I was not happy with my work. No, not because of results. People should know that I care more on the process than results. I am unhappy with my work because I did so in the absence of passion. I'm sorry for those who had hopes for me in those final stretches, and I am truly sorry Mel, for all you encouragement and support, but I am not happy with those works of mine, and while I learnt A LOT from it, it did not reach the level of satisfaction I got when doing projects of the old Myth and Co. days.
And it continues, after university. I begin my life in the outside world....with an approximate 70K debt and it took 6 months to get a job (that's not really a complaint though, I chose to have such a long time out) and all I get is more or less some back end company that is so void of proper organization and legal paperwork that I have nothing on paper or black and white that I can use to prevent them from exploiting me as cheap labor, which they are doing, and forcing me thus to work on things i CLEARLY do not enjoy. I'm trying my best to get another job, to get out of there, and again I am bleeding crimson and blue towards that end, but to no avail either. The position you are best for OR applied for is not available yet, we have no vacancies, we already hired somebody for that job or have chosen someone else to fill that job, we might only have use of your skills later in the future MAYBE, or dowright no reply. Take your pick because most of my attempts at getting a new job ends up with just those, and I've lost count on my number of applications, to which I think only 1/3 only I got as far as an interview, and of all that interview I have so far a perfect record of 100% rejection. Isn't that f***ing cool?
So here I am just oast one interview, desperate enough to go for a company that is similiar to POV, one company that I so do not like its working atmosphere and level (I can almost imagine the people of POV and V?HQ level sneering behind my back saying, "what makes you think you are worthy of even coming to a place of our level?"). And soon another interview, with a book company that will involve nothing at all visually creative despite its lucrative pay and I sure as hell know I'm not getting any younger to achieve acclaim in the field that I like. I'm starting to see the age of my competitors go steadily apart from my own as previous competitors have already achieved their mark, leaving me stuggling here. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the efforts given on my behalf, but is it just.... wrong to grieve over the fact that at the end of things, you just don't get what you want.
So understand. It is my purpose of this to explain not whine. I am in fact thinking of primarily this one question. Seeing as I am not given a break at all in my favourite field and eager to make more money as well (than this meager peanuts I'm being paid with), and with my desperation now going to the point of applying jobs for post or places I wouldn't even desire some months ago... and of course with a list of other, maybe newer people more eye catching to employers to grab a hold of than me, the outdated one whom like an aged rockstar from a band once-but-no-longer popular, still trying to get back what he once got, without much success.... I just wonder now...
Is this a sign to let go of my dreams?
posted by Raccoon General | 5:10 AM
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