To die, at least with the knowledge of why...

There is a monster inside me.

When Marvel Comics did the story of Onslaught, it had shown that even the most sanest and noble of persons have monsters within them. That monster festers amongst your inner most feelings; the repressive negative energy you would hope to bury deep within yourself, out of sight from the rest of the world. Out of sight but not out of touch. As you endure more in the harsh world, it grows stronger and stronger and until one day.... it will break free.

Likewise, I have a monster within me.

I want to tell you directly in what I am and what I believe. I am no saint, just to show, but I don't aspire to be the devil.

I believe in being equals. I believe in treating womenfolk with kindness, tenderness and respect. I believe in the power of a girl's smile. I want to have one of such just for me. I believe that we should walk hand in hand towards success and the future. I believe that the greatest achievements are those achieved together. I want to be a storyteller, but I want to make that journey with others, not alone. I want to be on top with my bestfriends.I believe that friend's exist to support each other. I believe in being kind to others and in turn they would do the same to you. I believe that the trust you invest in others is worth more than that you give yourself. I want to be loved and respected by others, and I believe that by doing unto them the same would I get it in turn.

And I kid you not, I believe in making lots of money... so long as I hurt no one. I want to have lots of money. And yes... I believe I can achieve something.... anything.

Or rather I believed that. Just like Love. I used to believe that. Until I knew it had all but left me behind. A fairy tale, fitting for storybooks and perhaps fated only to some of us... but not me.
Likewise, despite all that the forces of the world had only sought to appease that abomination within me, help cultivate it rather than keep it in check. I can't believe how much dissapointment and anger I can take. Worse yet, I know it will lead me to a place I would not like. Even worse still, I fear when ever that time should come... I might enjoy it.

I trust people and in turn they keep me out. They take from me but never giving. They seize everything, every shred of opportunity I may see for a betterment of my life. The end result can only be that in which we would cross paths eventually... as enemies. There are names and the things the people who bear those names do that I want so much to put in writing why they have caused me much grief and anger, but I know I cannot commit it to such, because that would be symbolically the first step the monster withing would take onto reality.

There were three times in my life I recall that I've ever lost my cool and be so angry that I myself think it not possible. There was once when I was penalized for my mistakes and despite all I had accomplished otherwise, my many successes amounted to naught when compared to my one mistake. Then there was the time when the whole last minute changes in plans that almost left me unable to make it for a trip to see a friend's wedding. Lastly there was work, in which more and more I feel like a slave, being manipulated, used and above all exploited.

I've exhausted almost all options to seek out another place. Like always world does not sympathize. It throws more dissapointments at me, even with a sauce of irony on top at times. And I, trying to be accomodating, to be noble, to be... right, just suck it in. Swallowing my pride in thinking it's just life. As always, compromising.

Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. My entire life has been just about that. Compromising for second bests, Compromising for the sake of others. Compromising under the guise of friendship. God, I hate compromising.

I hate my life. Not entirely but enough for now to amount to a slight majority. If there is one thing truly that keeps dissappointing me, keeps bringing my heart down is some of the people I know. I mean, is it just natural or is it simply me, that whenever I start showing kindness and fondness towards certain few, the end result is that they end up failing me. Not in the direct sense of my tasking them something and they failing to achieve. More so is that they in turn fail to be appreciative of me, or so I have come to feel. I don't know if they do it purposely, or perhaps by without intention, but is it the net result of being open to me the very fact that they conduct their actions without thinking the long term affects of it to my feelings? If I cannot trust those I had once deemed close to me, then who can I trust? And if I trust no one, then why am I even here?

Why do they want me around? To have some patsy to do their biddings or someone they can rely a favor on? Someone to make inferior of, so as to make themselves the superior? If so, then I hope you're happy at feeling better, luckier and all round happier than me, at my cost.

I am losing all hope in myself now. I had sought a web of contacts and friends, acquaintances of use, that can help cushion the harsh blows of reality for me but as always, they failed me. Cold, hard and brutal, agitation and frustration hits me like an express train. I know that by losing hope, the monster within will win. What I'm not sure is... whether I want it to win or not.

There are many kinds of monsters. Some are physically ugly, while others look sleek and beautiful on the outside but hideous inside. There are kinds that can crush a man's skull and there are kinds that break a person's heart. The one thing I can tell about my monster is that it is one which dreams of sadistically trampling on those I might call friends and turning back only to laugh in their faces. It is a monstrosity that seeks ultimately to prove its own...perhaps... my own... dominance over the people I surround myself with. It is a beast that is fueled by a feeling of revenge, justified or otherwise.

I have no one to really talk to. The very few I can talk to in a more personal capacity are always not around, or have other people they would rather tend to. In the end, it is a bunch of codes, scripts, and a creation called blogs that ultimately keeps my sanity in check. It is by writing thus that I hope to delay the emergence of my monster, though for how long I don't know. I don't expect much people to read, or even know I've cried out here, but putting it down in words does let me vent some of the steam off a bit.

I'd expect no answer. I don't expect to be heard even. Hope for that has long but gone. If hope was fragile, than mine is already in a thousand pieces, the shards of which stabs deeply in my being. In all that I only wonder this: Why? Why am I not favored, not chosen, not there in the higher order of your list? I do not think I will ever be anything else but, I really do wish to know what is it about me that is so despised? What is it of me that is not worthy of being your top rankings? Why would you prefer others over me, and even at times, alone than my company? If for the sake of nothing better than to simply die one day with at least the knowledge of why.

Also... is it so much to ask of all of you to just be more appreciative and think of how I might feel by your actions?

I'm tired. I'm tired of all this.Just really sick..and tired. I'm losing myself. Losing my sight on what used to be what I wanted. Losing my primary purpose in life. I feel like I need to stop being me. I feel like just surrendering. Not to the world...

...but to the monster.