Imperial Command of the Raccoon General

Thoughts and Memoirs of a Ring-tailed and Masked Dominator of the World

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General of the mighty Raccoon Army

Saturday, December 10, 2005

My paradox...

Life has its many paradox. It is a unique thing in which one can have values of almost opposite in nature imbued into one's self. Like for example, a friend of mine who is curious on 'sexy' but totally avoids 'sex'. In my case, I try mostly to follow the principles in which I have drawn up, and made public at times, and do so with strict adherence to it despite my thoughts at times to find weakness and flaws the self imposed rules; loopholes in which I might take advantage of, for whatever the purpose.

Some time ago, I recall being told that there were several of whom were baffled at my paradoxial conduct. As mentioned I try to be that which I state, but being told that I have been paradoxial means that there are things that I do which contrasts to what people say of me. Let me start off by saying, the core of the issue here is that whilst I do follow the rules and guidelines or the image that I have set upon myself, there are crucial factors to consider as to why, when, how or what applies to me as a person.

Firstly, one of the older comments made on me regarding my work. Yes, I admit that my recent project, prior to my end of studies, was a rather rushed and shoddy job which I myself am not too proud of. The focus of the agenda here is that the content of the work seemingly is too light and does not reflect upon the writer of this blogpage, in which whom it seems to have been always pondering on one thought, ideology or concept at any one time. No, I don't consider myself a deep thinking philosophical genius, but I think my writings would suffice to say that I am capable of producing contents of interests with depth. Truth be told, I ponder on a lot of things, I seek understanding of the matter, I seek appreciation of the whole, and quite frankly I do my thinking, researching and writing with such passion that I wish I could do the same for everything else in my life. But my work was not so; it was light, thought out quickly and severely under developed. Why, you ask? No, it is not because I do not love my work, or because I am lazy or because I do not take final projects seriously. The answer is in two factors, time and environment. Time, because I am meticulous in my plannings and do not like the idea of working hard and almost non stop on any one thing because I believe that is the road to the deterioration of the work. so either by lack of effort or by forcing to much effort, the work suffers, so it is better to choose the more relaxed option of the two. Most importantly however is the second reason, environment. For my FYP, I had to work alone; in terms of group vs solo work as well as physical surrounding. I opted to be in a group, to lead if possible a team towards realizing a vision. I wanted the glory shared, and I wanted companionship in the process. I believed I can pull it off, managing a team and all. but sadly my optimism is not shared by others so I am forced to take the solo path; one which I cannot stress enough how I hated working that way. Not only that, unlike others who can work being surrounded by friends, I am confined to a small cubicle of a room here at my house with no friends around. The atmosphere is that of a tomb, so blame me not if my passion for it is the same level as that of a walking corpse.

The next matter is regards as to my tolerance, and perhaps neutrality to many people who at times can prove to be more of a hassle than use, despite the fact that I call myself a general, an agressive war maker. One should realize that the best generals do not pick all the fights in the world but picks the one he could win. Furthermore as in the later part of history, we have seen that it is best to have many allies around than be isolated. The support from others could be of significant advantage to one's self. And most importantly as in Pearl Harbor, which despite the fact Japan may not be that 'honorable' in the conduct, surprise is one of a general's best friend, and to not let the enemy know your hostility towards them gives you a significant advantage. Keep the enemy guessing, as one would say. In anycase, the most celebrated personas of the past are not only great generals but also superb statesmen, such as Alexander, Julius Caesar and in his early career, Napoleon. Ruthlesness and cunning on the battlefield must be tempered with skills in diplomacy. One need only to look at the German Chancellor Otto von Bismarck to see how his political policies, alliances and treaties as much as the wars conducted lead to the unification and rise of Germany, and note how his departure directly lead to the events of World War I. So clear it is that aggression alone would not suffice.

Lastly it has been said that I am quite a hopeless romantic, or the very least one who is intrigued by romanticism. Yet as a close friend of mine once mentioned, she was puzzled as to why I can preach on love and romance and all that at one time, and the next damn my existence as if love itself scorned me. This is in part more of a matter of experience and the past, how time and again proven events have altered my view. I enjoy romantic tales, even fairytale level of such stories, because it reflects an ideal in which many would find the zenith of appeals. and why not? To be truly madly deeply loved by another has been one of the driving factors of humans since the earliest times. And, to an extent, I have seen some of such tales realized in life by those around me, and not just in books and movies. The fact of the matter is THEY have it (and not just simply and singly by luck), and I have never been that lucky to obtain as such, and at times I feel that my achievements belong in other fields. Nevertheless I do not resort to simply to baseless self damnation. I realize my flaws and weaknesses and thus for now I resign to what fate has left me. The fact of the matter is, I am not sweet as many would say. I am only sweet to the very few (if not to the ONE) that I really care for. And furthermore, others have certain advantages or traits that prove beneficial to the pursuit of such passion; be it looks, money, cars, posessions or even simply skills and experience related to the task. I admit to not being totally ugly, but I am not good looking enough, that much I know. I can survive, but I have not an excess in money as many of my friends do. I don't have a car nor the passion to drive, and I certainly do not posses items that a girl might find fanciful. Most of all my experience and skills are not those like musical, dancing poetry and all the enchanting capabilities that some guys have to woo the women; mine is in my determination and passion in my study of the subjects I am interested in, my grasp and intrigue of philosophy and history (mainly on matters of war), and doubt that even my drawing skills is sufficient to attract any. Fact of the matter is that it is blatantly obvious a girl loves a guy who sweeps her off her feet at the dancefloor, sings to her a lullaby or recite epic poems to her or compose songs about her, and I do not have those skills. So, forgive me if I resign myself to those facts, and until I can obtain at least some of those aspects (money seems the most plausible of the choices) I doubt my condition would improve.

Apologies would not be suited here if what I mentioned sounded grim or sorrowful. Turth be told, I still have hope.. maybe not exactly into what people would want, but nonetheless hope that I know despite it all I have my purpose. As to what that purpose is, who nows? Rule the world maybe?