Imperial Command of the Raccoon General

Thoughts and Memoirs of a Ring-tailed and Masked Dominator of the World

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General of the mighty Raccoon Army

Sunday, May 28, 2006

I would like to post a question

I want to say that I feel old. But that's not exactly describing it. In truth I feel I can, if I so choose to, jump around and run all over the place. But I don't feel like it nor is there the occasion for it.

Honestly I best cab describe the feeling as being 'past my time'. Yes, it can relate to the feeling of old age, but not so in my case. I don't feel old, I just feel that my moments of glory have passed me by. I feel like it is now my time to absorbed into the masses of society, seeing as I don't feel capable of achieving things to stand out or in short, to achieve anything I would have considered significant anymore. As I told a friend, I feel like a member of a band whose music belong in collections of timeless classics. I'm like the band member whom, long after the band has lost its popularity, is still trying to cling on to the old olfe, and still trying to repeat past accomplishments... without much luck.

I've stared at my result transcripts for a long time ever since I got it last friday. To the normal viewer I guess they can see letters and numbers, and perhaps and averagely good result of 2.8 CGPA or so. I see something else entirely however. I see it as moments in time that has significant meaning. I see it as the crossroads in life and the results of my choices in whcih path to take. I see the B+ and the 2 As for English marking some of my earliest triumphs in MMU, which is yet another notch of achievements I've had since my earliest schooling years. All the design subjects and creative projects of Alpha perhaps bear some testiment to that.

Ever since I was in school, I poured little effort to studies yet somehow miraculously achieve good results. I didn't do much for UPSR or PMR and in both times I got full As. SPM came and with frequent cybercafe trips I still attained a 11 Aggregate, First Grade. Seeing as how I took pure science and all the technical subjects (and I hate technicals) and with minimal studies I achieved quite the result, I guess I felt deep down that it was true; I'm that good. And then, the fun and glory of Alpha Year.

I was Invincible.

Or so I thought. But I am no more Invincible than the Titanic was unsinkable. And in truth? I hit my iceberg in First Trimester 2001, Beta Year. Two Fs, and a clear indication of having to repeat one whole year. I saw it at the time as clearly a reminder. I am not unstoppable or invincible as I so believed, and that I too needed to pour effort eventually to achieve. But that wasn't all. I see now it was a clear indication of my decline. I can't explain it. I was always fortunate enough to be given a list of opportunities and chances. I was always fortunate enough to make the cut. But after those two Fs, I can see now that it was a downhill road for me from then on, opportunities and chance now finding other, younger, people to bestow their presence with.

Still I tried. Still I wanted to glorious old days. And for one time at least, luck cut me some slack and I got the old group together again, one last project together and an A we gained for that. I also obtained a good results for philosophy, for which I am proud of, but aside those it has been a bleak moment for me.

I wondered now if maybe my ride on luck and glory has left me because I was delayed by one year due to those Fs. If I had not failed, then perhaps I'd be still running a glorious track. But no, I can't say I'd wish that with all my heart. Failing and staying back a year has given me many a things. It has given me more time as a student (and let me tell you that being a university student is as best a life that is only second to being super rich and not having to answer to anybody, save the law maybe). It has given whole host of new friends, fickle and full or 'politics' some of them maybe, and yes among that it has given me the opportunity to obtain one of my best friends ever. I am grateful for that....

...but... it has not given me achievements. Save for the one project and philosophy, ever since I am in the new batch, I have yet to obtain any fair amount of success with anything these new people or additional opportunities gained through those Fs. That success which I did get, was achieved through a groupwork consisting of a core members of my once-upon-a-time-glorious-past-friends. That being said, none of the creative work I did then on or the groups I got into, had me feeling very passionate about the work anymore. You want me to be specific? It's just simple really, it's 3 little things. One, most of the work was solo, and after 11 years of being solo worker at school, I realized I HATE working alone. Two, even if I got into a group (other than the one mentioned before) it was doing a work which I can't be passionate about; economics, management or anything else. And three, even if there was a chance to work in groups and in doing something I can be passionate about (AND MOST PEOPLE SHOULD BLOODY KNOW WHEN THAT MOMENT WAS) there was always the biggest issue that pagued me eversince my...'downfall'; people just don't want to be in groups. At least maybe not with me. Or maybe they'd rather be solo.

In either case, the point is that I've tried, and I've tried. I've bled, crimson and blue, really, just trying to get people to join with me, to get people to work with me. And I've failed. Utterly. The reasons given I can list only two; they'd rather be solo, or they've agreed to work with some one else. I'm wondering two things. Firstly, am I really that deplorable to work with? Am I that incompatibe with people that it's bad enough girls keep rejecting me (well two is sufficient to use the plural, girl. But the point is that it's more than one) that now even would-be collegues reject me? Secondly, are those reasons true? Are they honest? I mean, are they just not having the guts to perhaps say, "we don't want to work with you because we hate you" and thus resort to such inoffenseive lines?. I guess if they're willing to hide and be conceiling their true feelings, then we'll never know.

Anyhow the point is this.

With the previously stated exception, there has been no significant achievements in this supposedly 'new' environment I got after failing the two subjects. MY finals were nothing exceptional, and even if the grades were good, I was not happy with my work. No, not because of results. People should know that I care more on the process than results. I am unhappy with my work because I did so in the absence of passion. I'm sorry for those who had hopes for me in those final stretches, and I am truly sorry Mel, for all you encouragement and support, but I am not happy with those works of mine, and while I learnt A LOT from it, it did not reach the level of satisfaction I got when doing projects of the old Myth and Co. days.

And it continues, after university. I begin my life in the outside world....with an approximate 70K debt and it took 6 months to get a job (that's not really a complaint though, I chose to have such a long time out) and all I get is more or less some back end company that is so void of proper organization and legal paperwork that I have nothing on paper or black and white that I can use to prevent them from exploiting me as cheap labor, which they are doing, and forcing me thus to work on things i CLEARLY do not enjoy. I'm trying my best to get another job, to get out of there, and again I am bleeding crimson and blue towards that end, but to no avail either. The position you are best for OR applied for is not available yet, we have no vacancies, we already hired somebody for that job or have chosen someone else to fill that job, we might only have use of your skills later in the future MAYBE, or dowright no reply. Take your pick because most of my attempts at getting a new job ends up with just those, and I've lost count on my number of applications, to which I think only 1/3 only I got as far as an interview, and of all that interview I have so far a perfect record of 100% rejection. Isn't that f***ing cool?

So here I am just oast one interview, desperate enough to go for a company that is similiar to POV, one company that I so do not like its working atmosphere and level (I can almost imagine the people of POV and V?HQ level sneering behind my back saying, "what makes you think you are worthy of even coming to a place of our level?"). And soon another interview, with a book company that will involve nothing at all visually creative despite its lucrative pay and I sure as hell know I'm not getting any younger to achieve acclaim in the field that I like. I'm starting to see the age of my competitors go steadily apart from my own as previous competitors have already achieved their mark, leaving me stuggling here. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the efforts given on my behalf, but is it just.... wrong to grieve over the fact that at the end of things, you just don't get what you want.

So understand. It is my purpose of this to explain not whine. I am in fact thinking of primarily this one question. Seeing as I am not given a break at all in my favourite field and eager to make more money as well (than this meager peanuts I'm being paid with), and with my desperation now going to the point of applying jobs for post or places I wouldn't even desire some months ago... and of course with a list of other, maybe newer people more eye catching to employers to grab a hold of than me, the outdated one whom like an aged rockstar from a band once-but-no-longer popular, still trying to get back what he once got, without much success.... I just wonder now...

Is this a sign to let go of my dreams?

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

To die, at least with the knowledge of why...

There is a monster inside me.

When Marvel Comics did the story of Onslaught, it had shown that even the most sanest and noble of persons have monsters within them. That monster festers amongst your inner most feelings; the repressive negative energy you would hope to bury deep within yourself, out of sight from the rest of the world. Out of sight but not out of touch. As you endure more in the harsh world, it grows stronger and stronger and until one day.... it will break free.

Likewise, I have a monster within me.

I want to tell you directly in what I am and what I believe. I am no saint, just to show, but I don't aspire to be the devil.

I believe in being equals. I believe in treating womenfolk with kindness, tenderness and respect. I believe in the power of a girl's smile. I want to have one of such just for me. I believe that we should walk hand in hand towards success and the future. I believe that the greatest achievements are those achieved together. I want to be a storyteller, but I want to make that journey with others, not alone. I want to be on top with my bestfriends.I believe that friend's exist to support each other. I believe in being kind to others and in turn they would do the same to you. I believe that the trust you invest in others is worth more than that you give yourself. I want to be loved and respected by others, and I believe that by doing unto them the same would I get it in turn.

And I kid you not, I believe in making lots of money... so long as I hurt no one. I want to have lots of money. And yes... I believe I can achieve something.... anything.

Or rather I believed that. Just like Love. I used to believe that. Until I knew it had all but left me behind. A fairy tale, fitting for storybooks and perhaps fated only to some of us... but not me.
Likewise, despite all that the forces of the world had only sought to appease that abomination within me, help cultivate it rather than keep it in check. I can't believe how much dissapointment and anger I can take. Worse yet, I know it will lead me to a place I would not like. Even worse still, I fear when ever that time should come... I might enjoy it.

I trust people and in turn they keep me out. They take from me but never giving. They seize everything, every shred of opportunity I may see for a betterment of my life. The end result can only be that in which we would cross paths eventually... as enemies. There are names and the things the people who bear those names do that I want so much to put in writing why they have caused me much grief and anger, but I know I cannot commit it to such, because that would be symbolically the first step the monster withing would take onto reality.

There were three times in my life I recall that I've ever lost my cool and be so angry that I myself think it not possible. There was once when I was penalized for my mistakes and despite all I had accomplished otherwise, my many successes amounted to naught when compared to my one mistake. Then there was the time when the whole last minute changes in plans that almost left me unable to make it for a trip to see a friend's wedding. Lastly there was work, in which more and more I feel like a slave, being manipulated, used and above all exploited.

I've exhausted almost all options to seek out another place. Like always world does not sympathize. It throws more dissapointments at me, even with a sauce of irony on top at times. And I, trying to be accomodating, to be noble, to be... right, just suck it in. Swallowing my pride in thinking it's just life. As always, compromising.

Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. My entire life has been just about that. Compromising for second bests, Compromising for the sake of others. Compromising under the guise of friendship. God, I hate compromising.

I hate my life. Not entirely but enough for now to amount to a slight majority. If there is one thing truly that keeps dissappointing me, keeps bringing my heart down is some of the people I know. I mean, is it just natural or is it simply me, that whenever I start showing kindness and fondness towards certain few, the end result is that they end up failing me. Not in the direct sense of my tasking them something and they failing to achieve. More so is that they in turn fail to be appreciative of me, or so I have come to feel. I don't know if they do it purposely, or perhaps by without intention, but is it the net result of being open to me the very fact that they conduct their actions without thinking the long term affects of it to my feelings? If I cannot trust those I had once deemed close to me, then who can I trust? And if I trust no one, then why am I even here?

Why do they want me around? To have some patsy to do their biddings or someone they can rely a favor on? Someone to make inferior of, so as to make themselves the superior? If so, then I hope you're happy at feeling better, luckier and all round happier than me, at my cost.

I am losing all hope in myself now. I had sought a web of contacts and friends, acquaintances of use, that can help cushion the harsh blows of reality for me but as always, they failed me. Cold, hard and brutal, agitation and frustration hits me like an express train. I know that by losing hope, the monster within will win. What I'm not sure is... whether I want it to win or not.

There are many kinds of monsters. Some are physically ugly, while others look sleek and beautiful on the outside but hideous inside. There are kinds that can crush a man's skull and there are kinds that break a person's heart. The one thing I can tell about my monster is that it is one which dreams of sadistically trampling on those I might call friends and turning back only to laugh in their faces. It is a monstrosity that seeks ultimately to prove its own...perhaps... my own... dominance over the people I surround myself with. It is a beast that is fueled by a feeling of revenge, justified or otherwise.

I have no one to really talk to. The very few I can talk to in a more personal capacity are always not around, or have other people they would rather tend to. In the end, it is a bunch of codes, scripts, and a creation called blogs that ultimately keeps my sanity in check. It is by writing thus that I hope to delay the emergence of my monster, though for how long I don't know. I don't expect much people to read, or even know I've cried out here, but putting it down in words does let me vent some of the steam off a bit.

I'd expect no answer. I don't expect to be heard even. Hope for that has long but gone. If hope was fragile, than mine is already in a thousand pieces, the shards of which stabs deeply in my being. In all that I only wonder this: Why? Why am I not favored, not chosen, not there in the higher order of your list? I do not think I will ever be anything else but, I really do wish to know what is it about me that is so despised? What is it of me that is not worthy of being your top rankings? Why would you prefer others over me, and even at times, alone than my company? If for the sake of nothing better than to simply die one day with at least the knowledge of why.

Also... is it so much to ask of all of you to just be more appreciative and think of how I might feel by your actions?

I'm tired. I'm tired of all this.Just really sick..and tired. I'm losing myself. Losing my sight on what used to be what I wanted. Losing my primary purpose in life. I feel like I need to stop being me. I feel like just surrendering. Not to the world...

...but to the monster.