Imperial Command of the Raccoon General

Thoughts and Memoirs of a Ring-tailed and Masked Dominator of the World

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General of the mighty Raccoon Army

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Personal definition of friendship

I am hoping this is one of those writings that if people asked me "why?", I could simply say, "read that."
All things good comes in a form of packages. Maybe it is wrong to say all things 'good' per se, but more accurate I would suppose if I were to say all things right, or fair, or even appropriate. Yet I maintain all these things come in packages, just like people. No one thing is pure in just one form. Always it is a mixture of things; parts of which you covet for, and the other the part you would not favor for, but know it is there because of necessity.
Many fundamental ideologies come as such. Freedom. Trust. Love. Devotion. Equality. Honesty.
Take freedom for example. It is not a simple bright shiny dream where the end of it is the end of the trouble went through in obtaining that said freedom. Rather, obtaining freedom is but a first phase in the process. Maintaining it is yet another question, but most importantly is to act upon the responsibility that said freedom would give us. That responsibility is part and parcel of the whole freedom package and it is essential to have it as well, lest that freedom be called another thing.
As is Love. Love is not simply about a boy and a girl, or about kissing and hugging, or about sensually peeling each others clothes off and engage in hours of long passionate sex. Love is not solely about feeling happy, about being content, or about the pinnacle of all joys. Love too comes with its set of responsibility; its own determining constraint that would help truly define it as love and not other thing. There is love beyond that of simply a handsome boy and a pretty girl. There is love beyond the acts of hugging and kissing. There is love without the need for sex. Love itself is shown in many forms and not all ideally beautiful, but rather the sense of responsibility and care that leads to such annoying acts that help define love. Thus there is love in scolding another, as is love constantly bickering with each other, as is love questioning and inquiring a whole lot of matters to others, even if to the point of anoyance. Ask any parent, or if you are lucky, a true friend, though the odds of finding one is rare in the most extreme. I myself at times question if I already have such a friendship... or have I not.
And yes, friendship comes with is own quirks as well. Friendship is not about sharing joys together, nor is it about being on each others goodside for appearance sake or for appeasing or even (MOST ESPECIALLY, if it were up to me) avoiding conflict and confrontation. Friendship is not some simple mutual agreement of common interest. I believe that friendship is all that and more. There is a commitment due in friendship, as both sides I feel are obliged to work in maintanence of that bond. When only one person is more active in seeking that maintanence then I see sense to question the integrity of that said friendship. As is the same if friendship is put on a schedule, like it requires specific office hours to function or working days. Talking, interacting and being what friends should be is not and should not be restricted to weekends or weekdays only, to after office hours only or to when it suits you best. You see, like love, friendship is not fun and games only, nor should it be treated as a burden. It is essential to us, that we carry the parts we crave for in it, along with the part that we might feel dragging.
I have been thing on past memories, and call it what you will, say that I am obsessive, possessive, too demanding, expecting too much or whatever, but I find that far too many friends enjoy my company merely for the sake or the convenience of their own affairs. Should it not be so, should they find others that interest them more (games, items of material value, fame, praise, boyfriend or girlfriend, money, reputation), then at such cases I have often find myself neglected, abandoned or placed on a lower priorities. I suppose I sound like I'm whining about being left out by people. I suppose people have rights to their priorities, but since when has values, essential moral values be placed secondary instead of equal standing among other things?
Nothing or no one is perfect. That much is certain. But those imperfections are what is of higher value to a person. Not the positive side. Not the many skills he has, not the level of intellect, or how big his paycheck is, not the good looks and not the fine toned body or the seductive smile. It what's bad that should be the real matter. Anybody can love a good thing. anyone can love good looks, big fat paychecks and useful knowledge and skills. But it takes a true humane person, a true self that is willing to offer friendship, true friendship, to look for, accept, even love the flaws of others. Don't say I love you simply because he or she is pretty, or if they are rich or even if they make you smile.Love them because, they care enough to scold you, to make the effort to constantly nag and bug you even when at times you think "oh he's such a bother". I'm sure people would think isn't there anything better for them to do than call me up, nag at me, pester me, point out my flaws, guilt me, etc...
...but the fact is that we would rather do that than anything else better means that we consider you worth the effort. That we value you that highly. So what should you do? The answer is simple. But the execution is deceptive in simplicity.
The answer is make time for them. Don't go to them simply because you need something or even because you are bored. Even if you have things planned and have no logical reason whatsoever to call them, still...just do it. An investment on a true friend is worth more than anything, and I even dare say more than knowledge in some cases.
Why am I saying these? I don't know exactly...
Notice I don't put a mood for this particular posting, Must be because its not there in the given list. I'd have chosen "wanting more from friends" but then that might sound too needy.
I do recall I loved someone. I would have given her everything I could. But she saw me for perhaps a limited value only, and so distanced herself when I no longer am useful to her. It's not so much as the act that hurt me most. It is the fact that for whatever reasons, we had become friends (or so I thought) and the very least, I needed to be kept in loop, or to be told of things, I felt that among friends especially, I did not deserve a lie, a charade, a pretense of goodness and politeness. But that was what she did, and that was what hurt me the most. The fact that she hid her disgust of me behind a smile, not the eactual disgust itself.
And now, among newer people, I see similiar patterns taking shape. Yes, most common is that I see myself putting effort in contacting these people, in spending time and money and effort, to say hi, so ask them how they are and if I were able, to place a smile on their faces. So it does hurt that, even if it might not be overly rational, if you are put on hold for work or other reasons, things or persons. It does hurt that if such effort is rewarded only when it suited proper timing and scheduling. Yes I see it coming shape, among my new and current friends even... an all to familiar pattern. Will it repeat? It is no certainty, but it usually does.
So why am I writing these, I ask again. Because maybe I once questioned myself after losing the one I loved, what is the definition of friends? Does the defnition differ from one person to another, and if so, what is my definition?
Or perhaps because I am simply dissapointed in some of my friends, and how I feel my efforts for them have been likewise treated.