Weddings in March...

I sit there staring into emptiness and can't help but wonder what coincidence this is.

I was at a wedding. As such it was the second wedding of a girl I once fancied. Adding more to the fact was that it was held at/near the workplace of one of the parents; this one was help at her mother's office at the JKR Headquarters, the previous in a school where the father was the Principal. On its own however this wedding had more significance in that it was held near my old school, in which where I first met the bride some 18 or so years ago. And I entered the hall when the song being played was a tune by the title of "I swear" by All For One, which is one of the songs that I remember was oh-so-popular back when I was in the school. Significantly, on the slide show that showed the bride and groom's past, I was on it, owing to the fact I was in virtually all the classes she was.

Ah... And yes, both weddings were in March.

A year apart both weddings were, and never does it fail to leave me pondering.

2007 marks a year with numerous weddings. Perhaps it is so owing to the fact that anyone born in 1982 as I do, will turn 25 this year. Nevertheless, next week another one, and in May so I hear another old classmate ties the knot. One by one they take the final step in life. Perhaps the biggest of all steps in a person's life. Bigger than from being a child to an adult, is (perhaps) being from the status of single, to married. To start one's own family, ah, what a big step must that be, as finally, after decades, we reach a level where we are quite the equal of that of our parents.

So one by one, they go, shedding away the life of the bachelor. Perhaps what tightens my heart so is that these people, with husbands and wives now, could ill afford to be around me like the old days, as more important obligations are now set upon them. Perhaps even more so is that on the girl's side most espcially, it would not seem polite or proper to be hanging the likes of us anymore.

Or perhaps, simply.... I feel how far left behind I am. And that..is simply something that I just can't find the words to describe how I feel.

Perhaps I fear that that is the one step I can never take. Inferiority complex perhaps, but fact of the matter is what girls I fancy seem way beyond me, and what few girls that ever showed interest were not of what I sought for. I don't know, but in life I always had slight traces, hints, of the things I am capable of achieving. A success in an art competition in my early years reveling my capabilities in drawing as well as storytelling, achieving good marks in English as a precursor to my desire for writing, besting my brother in Dune 2 (the first RTS game) signalling my talent in such virtual military command, little bits of pieces to show my potential.

But love? Women? I've had nothing but failure. A sign? I don't know. Pondering is all I can do. And whatever else I learn of it, whatever knowledge I gain for it, is through observation of others. Observation that in vain hope I could apply one day.

It is not right to despair, now espcially more than any other time. I truly am happy for her, my dear friend, to have finally had the happiest day in her life. As much so as the others of my married friends. And as much so for those friends with couples, who for the lack of better description, are living almost a fairy-tale like romance. Their day is perhaps drawing near as well. No I cannot feel sad, for I am truly honestly happy, for them at least.

I feel guilty for feeling in truth, just as much as I can't deny that I do feel bad deep down somewhere...

Especially for weddings in March.

Should I hate my life now?

It's been a long time since I posted anything here, and since then a heck of a lot of things have happened.

I got a permanent placement for a job in the company I worked for since September, so yeah I'm quite setting myself up for all this 'working person persona' I'm still getting used to being. But lest it all sounds so peachy, I'm here to tell that despite the seemingly rosy news, the reality is far grim than it is. Just like people in the early years envisioning war as glorious, romantic and heroic, only to have such image shattered once the grim truth was revealed, so it is with my situation. For starters, we are busy here at work.

Freakishly busy. Slaves, Zombies, Robots, are but few terms that come to mind of how we have to work. Truth be told the pressure was building up since late last year already and already back then felt like the Titanic was resting on my head. I opted to ask for a time off after my contract ends, hoping to resume work much later. But somewhat unsurprisingly, REQUEST DENIED. And so the weight of the Titanic is starting to be a Bismarck weight, soon perhaps a Yamato weight and eventually, a Nimitz class Aircraft carrier weight will be pressing against my skull. Such is the pressure, and if my intent to break away from work seems a little selfish, leaving the other office mates to fend for themselves with all the work, well I can only say this, To each his/her own. Or TRANSLATION: This is MY problem, I'm not you and you're not me. Do not make the idiotic mistake of assuming we are all alike. My priorities are different, so I'm sorry if I value different things in life more.

No wait... I am NOT sorry for that. It is my right. I shouldn't be sorry. (oh being such a mean person here, but hey, I am not a nice person.)

Once I said that sanity is in short supply in my world. Well, right now, the one bit of sanity I have is all that remains, sustained precariously, dangerously on the brink, by my somewhat limited gaming sessions. Too much distance from such gaming sessions coupled with even just the regular (uber-hectic) work, and I fear my mind might just collapse. So yeah, I'm not happy. With work, with some of the collegues, what else is new?

Okay, there is a voice at the back of my mind that says I should at least explain my feelings and hostile remarks. the fact of the matter is, I'm not doing what I want. The fact that if I am good at what I am doing currently, is merely a bonus, pure coincidental and lucky. I don't hate animation, I respect it. But just like I respect educators and teachers, I do not necesarrily want to be one myself. I never had (never ever) any intent on being an animator. While I do look forward to working in the industry, what I want really is to write, si-fi fantasy materials of probably epic scale, that is perhaps more deep and serious than light and humorous materials. That aside, I want to design things and characters for the said genre, for doing concept art and storyboarding is somewhat a dream of mine since I ever saw behind the scene shots of great movies and games. I accept doing what I do know merely to appreciate and to understand the angle from this point of view of the industry. I do not think I ever intend to be in the thick of it when all hell is breaking loose here.

Having said that, moving to greener pastures, a number of new games are coming out and significantly, I am seemingly going to fill out my hard drive obtaining them. The only flaw being most games under severe pressure here since the crack down on piracy, which is sad but not really much that can be done. Piracy is illegal true and it is bad, but in terms of softwares most especially, it is the very lifeblood of the gamers here, save a few. Understand that unlike in the States where kids can ask 30-40 DOLLARS to get a game every now and then, Spenind 20-30 RM on games is somewhat the average for a LOT of people here. Don't be an idiot and think that getting one 100RM+ game once every blue moon is enough. Firstly not that many can afford even ONE RM100 game. Secondly, gamers play at least a few games and you cant't imagine us sticking to just one until we decay our keyboard just playing that very one. Gamers are like sportsman these days and we play a variety of things and to shun gamers as time wasters these days is like to say one shouldn't play football.Welcome to the future, and if anything at all that is nice about the future, this is it.

*Sticks out tongue at crappy anti-gamer traditionalists*